19 mei 2016

An outsider

I wake up next to you and want to kiss the soft space on your neck between your ear and shoulder. Your skin feels like fresh laundry. A soft black curl tickles my nose while you wake up and look into my eyes. A smile appears on my face and I feel intensely happy.

Arriving back in an environment which hasn’t changed. An environment exactly similar to how it was left behind. With all it’s feelings and emotions attached. And why should it. I left, I decided it was time for change.

Being in the in-between. Traveling from one place to the next. In real life and in your mind. The in-between can be magical, exciting, thrilling. It can be all you are looking for, and all you were trying to escape. It can also make you feel like an outsider. Not belonging to one place. Feeling at home where your shouldn’t, feeling alone where you are.

‘You learn something or you feel something completely new, when you break your heart that way’ she said. ‘Something that only you can know or feel in that way. And I knew, after that night, I would never have that feeling anywhere but India. I knew – I can’t explain it, I just knew somehow – that I was home, and warm and safe.*

Obsessively I am trying to feel at home where I am. To hear the voices close to me. Because the voice is more than half the love. Chased by my future I imagine how life will be. How my life will change, how your life will change. The butterfly effect of one decision which will impact more than only me. Finding that place where my soul dances inside my body.

The soul has no culture. The soul has no nations. The soul has no colour or accent or way of life. The soul is forever. The soul is one. And when the heart has its moment of truth and sorrow, the soul can’t be stilled.*

* from Shantaram

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Life Stories